Bonnie

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 03:45:20 GMT

Wow.
I haven't been on here in awhile.
A lot changes in two months, that's for sure.

In other news, I only have one day left of my very first semester of college. Congratulate me on finishing it successfully!...
...one down, only five more to go.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 23:46:21 GMT

I don't care how fucking low the numbers on the scale get. It still doesn't change a god damn thing, and I'm still absolutely miserable.

i wanna get high so bad right now. i haven't had an urge in months, and months, and months.
and i wont do it, but i want to.

....i need to just keep telling myself that using isn't going to help, and even if it would make everything feel better tonight, i'd feel worse in the long run.

...and breathe. just fucking breathe.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 16:24:28 GMT

IM NOT DEAD! =)
Moving's hell, and so is getting ready for school, and working two jobs.
Had no time at all to keep myself updated on this cyberspace deal.

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 21:22:12 GMT

I got drunk last night.
I never, ever, ever, EVER get drunk anymore.
And I did it.
I know it's just a few drinks, or whatever.
Actually, I got drunk off of like, five drinks, fucking ridiculous.
But seriously, I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm always the designated driver, or the one that can't drink because i work in the morning, or...(I have an entire list of excuses).
But truth is, I'm one of the few socially unacceptable people my age that doesn't drink.
And last night I was invited to a party, and gah, there were a million people I don't know, and I had the idea that I would "nurse" the beer this rather tall, attractive boy handed me, and just hold it around and pretend to drink it. (I do this often).
But nope, I drank it, than I drank another one, etc.

Then I ate two peices of pizza, and didn't throw it up because well, I was drunk.

This morning, driving home ULTRA pissed at myself for drinking, and not coming home to take my dogs out, I bought Ben & Jerrys, ate the whole pint, and threw up a combination of last nights pizza and ice cream.

Argh, I think I need to go to a meeting today. I know it probably doesn't count as a "relapse", because it's not drugs, but im still pissed at myself, because if ill go ahead and drink a beer when i "don't drink", than who knows if someday I'll go ahead and stick something in my veins again.

ugh, im mad at myself today.

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 17:51:28 GMT

so...
BIG STEP BIG STEP BIG FUCKING STEP
in getting on with changes in my life.

Come September 1st...

I"M MOVING!
in with my best girlfriend Alex!
I'm super excited.
Less rent, and I've been so Fucking LONELY all the time, on my own.

My sister's taking her dog Jackson back, I was just watching him while she was at a place she couldn't have dogs.

And me, my chihuahua, and my kitty are getting outta here!

to a bigger, nicer apt, with another dog for Bailee(my chihuahua) to play with, and the most supportive friend of my life.

My only worry is...I haven't had to really worry too much about hiding my purges the past year or so, and im not going to be able to constantly binge and purge with a roommate.

It might ACTUALLY be good for me.

I'm scared though, i don't know why, but i have this huge anxious feeling about moving in with someone.

But...I'm only 18 years old. People my age have roommates, and friends around at all times.
it should be good for me!

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 09:18:48 GMT

so, i spend all day in the hospital, where my grandmother continues to forget about me on and off.
At one point she thought I was a nurse and asked me "So, do you work nights here at the hospital"
my first day off in ten days, and im spending it in the hospital taking shifts staying with my grandmother.

and then, to make things EVEN better, around 11 i go over to a friends house, stay there until about three
get back to my car
and my faceplate is fucking stolen
so i drive home in silence
I...
feel like shit.

So shitty, that im not even reading a single entry in this community, because im too busy trying to find out how to replace a faceplate, or if im going to have to buy a new cd player and get it installed.

=(

anyone know how that all works?

...and oh yeah, if anyone has an extra sony cdx-gt110 faceplate laying around, let me know, I'll buy it.

...I have the worst luck, EVER!

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 05:15:56 GMT

Spent all night in the hospital.
My grandma's 89, and she's back in for being weak, and basically passing out or "falling asleep" sitting/standing up, they daon't know what's wrong. but it just started this week, and it's not normal behavior for her.

I saw my mother and sister for the first time in a good two weeks too, which is always nice. I spend so much time completely involved with myself that I like to forget that I actually enjoy spending time with my family.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 04:44:14 GMT

So, tomorrow is day number 9 of work in a row.

So last week I put in about 35 hours mon-fri nannying
Then fri-sun worked 48 doing respite care-EXHAUSTING...i got a total of maybe 4.5 hours of sleep friday night, and about 6 on saturday(very interrupted sleep).
went to sleep last night until about one, because GEE WHIZ! I haven't been able to b/p all weekend, so I better spend my entire sunday night doing that! =)

worked at six this morning, until 2. Only 8 hours, but i ended up spending the rest of the day seeing friends, and doing shit for myself instead of sleeping... like an idiot.
working tomorrow at 6 am too.

doesn't look like ill be getting a day off until saturday.
which will make it 12 days in a row

and about 118 hours in two weeks
it's two seperate jobs, so no OT
but I'm seriously spreading myself way too thin.

Tonight I planned my binge EARLY--there was still Daylight when i started eating---so i could get to bed early too.

I probably would have been done around 9something, and able to get to sleep, but noooo

Someone had to go and set my apt. building on fire, so i had to stop midpurge, go wait outside with my dogs for what seemed like a gazillion hours, and then here i am.
i dont think i was able to get my whole binge up either, which PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF.

I should be more pissed about the fire, i mean, SCARY, but nope, all im upset about is how it messed up my routine i planned out for tonight, and now its almost midnight, i work in six hours, and im not tired at all.
urgghasd;kfh

But in other news, despite being really tired, had an AWESOME weekend at work, loved my group of boys i worked with this weekend, got pulled aside by my boss who told me how she noticed i was really "stepping up and leading the new staff well and that she's noticed how much the kids love me"(always awesome to hear!), only had two people in briefs(adult diapers), one electric chair(so i only had to worry about lifting, not pushing), and two walkers. all in all an active, fun, EASY group of boys. I had a blast.

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 04:34:03 GMT

It seems like everyone around me is quitting smoking.
And by everyone, i mean my two best friends, that i always hang out with at seperate times, so when i am spending time with people, im either hanging out with one of them, or the other.

I really should take it as some kind of sign that i should quit, or something, but it really just annoys me that I don't have someone always willing to run outside with me wherever we are for a few minutes to smoke a cigarette. Which is really, really selfish of me, i know. I mean, it's super healthy of them, and a good choice, and i won't ever show my resentment for that choice, im rather supportive of their decision, but it annoys the crap out of me. Seriously, they both decided to kick their habit around the same time, too, which is weird because they don't even get along that well, and never talk.

because they quit, i keep on thinking about and justifying my smoking too. Like, well, I quit doing so much shit that was worse for me, i should be allowed one vice blahblahblaaaaah. Im obviously amazing at making up excuses to myself.

I'm really stupid for still being awake, though. i work at 5:15 tomorrow morning, a half hour away from where i live.
and so i need to be up at 4:40, to wash my face, throw on shoes, climb down all sixtyfour steps from my 5th floor apt, and leave.
and im not tired. at all.

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 00:34:56 GMT

So, the big black part fell off of my brown recluse bite today, and I know that means it's getting better, but god damn, it makes it hurt waywaywaaaaay more.
I worked with Sidney all day today. I love that little four year old more than anything. We spent a million hours at the park today. I wish it was acceptable to just be a nanny for the rest of my life, but it's not a very reliable career, at all. hah. Or just work at as a direct care provider for disabled kids out at camp for the rest of my life, but that's not a practical one either.
ugh, i love both my jobs and don't want to have to grow up and get an actual one. =(

I'm starting to last minute seriously rethink being a nurse though, which is bad. It's probably just cold feet, but I almost think I'd like to be a social worker. Then I realize that I'd probably get too attached to the people i work for, but that could happen in nursing too.

ughughugh. I just want to look after kids forever.

My plan was to be a pediatric nurse after I do my suggested hospital time after college, but I don't know how im going to deal with losing kids on my shift. =(

Ah hell, a ton of the children i work with now are so sick and vegetables, and it depresses the shit outta me wondering how much longer they're going to live.

But, I love caring for people and want to do it for a living.

And I'm rambling.

I just hate when my mind completely runs around in circles. I worry about the future way too much.

Like the fact that I love kids(obviously) and would love to be a mom, someday. I mean, not any time soon, but in seven years from now or something.
And then I get really, really woried, because what if I'm still as crazy in seven years. And then I think of my bulimic mother, and look at myself, and realize we're exactly the same, and It would break my heart to end up with a daughter who doesn't find herself as beautiful as she really would be. Or she'd end up on heroin.
Then again, my sister didn't end up with an ED, or a drug addiction. But she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and im not sure which is worse.

And then I start to realize, why the fuck am I even worrying about this because im NOT having babies any time soon, and should worry more about the present instead of making myself crazy about things that aren't even in the NEAR future.

In other news, I found out that another good friend of mine's recreational drug use has become a habit. Makes me really, really sad.
Track marks are the new black, and it's disguisting.

It's funny, one of my favorite parts about smack at first, besides the obvious euphoric feeling, was the fact that it made me puke. I could be bulimic without even putting any effort into purging, at all.

Then it stopped making me puke, and i just had a habit. I was really, really sad when it didn't make me vomit anymore.

I had a little bit of a talk with a good friend of mine, who is now trying to get clean herself, about the whole puking on smack thing. It made me really, really curious as to whether she made herself puke before doing heroin, or not. Not that it matters too much, but I ALWAYS want to know if people are like me with their eating. Which doesn't make sense, because obviously, who cares if the girl makes herself puke or not, but I'm always fucking curious.

I can't believe how much I wrote in this. It's kind of fun keeping an online journal that other people can read, and not a single person I know reads it.

Actually, I don't really have any friends on here, so i doubt anyone reads it, or would want to, but it's fun regardless.

i better go now, before i spend my entire night typing out random thoughts on this, instead of doing anything productive.

And I need to take my dogs out. They've been holding it for awhile, and I definitely don't want to end up with piss all over my carpet again.

Oh, if anyone has any tips on how to get dog pee smells out of carpet, that would be awesome, because every once in awhile my border collie has an accident, and no matter how hard i scrub, there's still a slight smell of piss lingering in the air.

Ahhh, home sweet home.

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 06:56:08 GMT

Deleted all the old entries.

I had a lot of entries from two years ago, which just made me sad, because i was even more of a dumbass then than I am now.

So, my good friend Patrick just moved back in town on the 15th, and I was actually really pissed he didn't get ahold of me the entire time he'd been back.
I just talked to him today, and apparently he's been sick as a dog the whole time he's been back, and actually was in the ER last night, put on IV antibiotics. I felt bad for him, and joked about how what he really needed was some homemade jewish chicken noodle soup(im a jew, and we always joke about it as much as possible), and he completely took it the wrong way.

"OH! That sounds awesome, My friend Joel told me he'd make me soup, and didn't end up doing it. I'd love some!"

So, me being the sweet girl that can't say no to anyone told him I'd make him some and bring it over.

One problem, I can't cook anything, let alone homemade soup.
So, I freaked out because i had dug myself this huge grave, looked up recipes online, and made an attempt at being domestic.
Me in the kitchen=hilarious.

Gah, I am way too good of a friend.
But he ate the entire HUGE portion of the soup, and told me he loved it.

But seriously, it was a lot of work. I should have just flat out told him, yeah you need some jewish chicken noodle soup, but i have no idea how to make it.

That's about all my day consisted of. Which is awesome...I spend my first day in 9 days off work, making soup.